Transformation Again and Again

Well, I can't sleep so I figure this is as good a time as any to begin blogging again। I last wrote in October '07. Crazy to stay away so long. But I did not want to write. I was going through major transformation and sometimes it just ain't easy.



The India tour in November was very difficult. Some of my best friends and favorite students were with me. Hell, even my 86 year old father was with me. I had great expectations for this one. I tell ya.

And as the sages say over and over again about great expectations, they lead to great disappointment. And so it goes. Anyway, whatever could have gone wrong on a tour did beginning on day one when the wrong size bus showed up, not the one I ordered and paid for.

It was much too small for my plans. I like people to ride through their first part of India with plenty of room and comfort while they get acclimated to this very different culture. Also I like to teach on the bus and have people do everything from sharing intentions to Osho's Dynamic as we cruise along for the first 5 days. In this bus, it was just about impossible.

It did not have enough room for me to teach. It had no mic. It had no shocks. The AC system was poor. People's asses hurt. People breathed lots of pollution. People got disappointed and cranky. Eventually they got mad.

At some point I shut up and shut down. I was horrified watching their faces in such dismay. I wanted them to love India and they were hating it. I mean some amount of all this is to be expected in any third world country. Anything can go wrong and often does. But I so wasn't expecting it on my tour nor were they. After all, I had done this very same trip twice before. I know the ropes so to speak.

Ha ha, joke was on me. And not very funny. I became sullen.

Even though things improved greatly when we left the bus behind and made our way to Varanasi and Khajuraho, we never seemed to get back on the right track.

When everybody left India, I stayed on for a month. I had to get myself grounded and figure out what had taken place and why. I also felt I needed to make some repairs to the relationships after what had happened in my clearing, my space.

While receiving a deep healing massage, I got some insight into the spiritual aspects of what had happened. I saw reasoning behind the craziness. The message I received has to do with the tremendous shifts in consciousness required on the earth at the present time. I saw this group needing to go through a trauma together quickly, not one in which someone dies, but one where there is not much time for drama, just be traumatized and get over it! Prepare for something to come in our lives that we have to get through together at some later point.

Well, when I wrote that to the participants, nobody was having it!

I mean the whole reason I take people to India is to experience SURRENDER like no other place on earth that I know of can supply. That's Tantra is it not? But people had really felt so bad they just couldn't seem to focus on the spiritual aspects of our crazy time together.

So, then I woke up (with the help of one or two of them) to the notion that it was about the economics. They wanted full refunds in many cases. I have never heard of such a thing when it come to tours. As a matter of fact, I don't think any other tour leader in the world would even consider such an idea. But this was different. This was my tour and these were my friends and students. And there was out integrity on my part about what I had promised and what I delivered.

As I struggled with the idea of refunding so much money and the losses, I kept dreaming about how they capture monkeys. They put a banana in a cage that has slats big enough for the monkey to slide its hand in. Once the monkey gets his fist around the banana, it cannot get the hand out. The fist won't fit between the slats only an open hand. Of course the monkey doesn't want to let go so it gets trapped. Oh this recurring dream was driving me nuts!

So I made a decision to make large refunds. And in so doing, I got my hand out of the trap. Boy was it a painful process to let go, but in the end I am glad that I did. Now people can get over it (I hope) and they can return to seeing a spiritual lesson if they choose.

I certainly got one. Somehow abundance is now pouring into my life like never before. It's in the form of students, contracts, radio interviews, potential lovers, assistants, people signing up for courses and money.

Plus, something shifted with my father while there. He came back a much more loving and kind soul. It's like he had a frontal lobotomy. He's the only one who really loved the tour. I can't explain it. He dropped some mean thing that seemed a part of his personality and shifted into nice. Go figure. This was worth it all!

That fits into the abundance thing as well. It's what I always wanted from him - kindness, cooperation, affection more than just mouthing empty words. And so I am receiving that too.

Lately when friends have told me about how difficult it is to be with their aging parents, I've laughed and jokingly suggested they send their parents to India with me!

What transformation!

Integrity = Being Your Word + Inner Guidance

Coming from a crazy family where people's minds changed like the weather, I adopted the policy of being true to my word no matter what. Even if the time came and I didn't feel like doing whatever I had agreed to, I kept my word and showed. I always wanted people to feel like they could count on me. I did not know I had huge underlying safety issues so I sought to enable people to feel safe with me. I figured, if they could count on me (my word), I could count on them. That should have equaled safe. Right?
Wrong!

Then I sought out learning experiences inside of paradigms where keeping your word equals integrity. For me, I felt I could finally feel secure knowing that I could trust what people said. After all, if I gave my word, I'd keep it. So, they must be the same. What was I thinking? People gave their word and made promises all the time. And they broke their word.

Things happened. What, I don't know. I never asked. I was not concerned with their excuses for not keeping their word. I was concerned with the fact that their word had been broken. I found myself making them wrong. I was even sneakier than that. I devalued them and still loved them, but less. I justified this righteous behavior of mine and had no room for their growth and development gap.

So were they safe with me? In fact, no. Did I feel safe with them? No.

Then I began studying Tantra. This Eastern philosophy encourages you to embrace it all, the right and the wrong, the light and the dark. I learned to embrace other's darkness (breaking of word) and my darkness (making them wrong). When this embrace empowered me to come out of the darkness, all of a sudden, I developed a lot of room for it all. I stopped taking it personally when a word was broken. I stopped being attached to outcomes. I became more appreciative of the process of transformation and just what it takes for people to keep their word, other people.

Inside of Tantra, I also became familiar with a powerful process called Latihan.

Latihan is a deep meditation where you go inside and then move following inner guidance. Some people call this authentic movement. During one Latihan session, I met my life's purpose staring me right in the eye. I began to listen to my inner voice rather than being distracted by what was "right" or "wrong" with the outer world.

I have been using this practice for 8 years. It has altered my life and altered my relationship to integrity and word. Now I follow inner guidance inside of my life's purpose when I commit to do something. Usually by the time the event comes about, I still want to do it. I am not merely toughing it out by keeping my word to anything and everything. I am keeping my word to something I have clearly chosen out of my deep commitment to what I am committed to in life. I have given up needing to have people count on me above all else and trying to make them feel safe. I have stopped making them wrong and myself right if things change. I focus on myself, my intentions and the messages I get from within. It is easy to keep my word and be with people exactly where they are. There is no more resentment.

At the end of the day, my word is in alignment with my life's purpose. And when I give it, it is a measure of the commitments that guide my life. Now it really does add up to my integrity, my truth. The bonus is that I'm experiencing many more people these days keeping their word. Something major has shifted in my life.



How to do Latihan:
You stand in a room with eyes closed. Playing on the stereo is ethereal music no lyrics.

The practice starts out by you picturing yourself standing at the edge of a cliff. You are strapped into a harness that is attached to a zip line. The zip line is stretched across a void. In other words, in your mind's eye, if you look down, you see only darkness, nothing - the void. In the meditation, you let go of your foothold and swing out over the void. You hang there attached to the zip line.

Then you reach up and push a red button that unfastens the clasp holding you connected to the zip line. Essentially, you let go and fall into the unknown.

Once you feel yourself falling, you begin to move only when movement moves you. This is not about prescribed movements, postures, dance steps or even asanas. It is simply to notice the impulse to move and then feel your way into the next movement.

Practice this for 10 - 15 minutes at first. Then move to a half hour.
Gradually build up to an hour at least once a week.

Copyright Butterfly Workshops, Inc. 2005

Hugging Amma - What a Gift!

This past weekend I was supposed to go to DC. There were some things in storage that I needed to get a hold of. But as fate would have it, when I called the storage place in Rockville, MD, I was told that presently the place is too full of storage things and that they could not afford me the opportunity to have them bring down my boxes so I could go access them and sort through things. So I did not go.

I stayed in Manhattan figuring I'd return to Fire Island the next morning. But when I awoke on Thursday morning, I had the thought, let me see what's going on in the City today? Why go back when I'd really rather be here? So what if I did not bring extra clothes with me? Just see what's up!

I called around and discovered that Amma, the "Hugging Saint" was in NYC and decided to go with Om. Previous to this whenever Amma was visiting in a certain city that I was in, I was usually too busy to go to see her. In the interim I have carried her picture around with me and have become increasingly interested in her method of transmission - hugging. I've picked up books by her and saw a special on TV hoping I'd get to see her some day.

It was wonderful to finally experience her and receive one of her hugs. The Manhattan Center was bustling with people and a Indian band was playing devotional music. People were from all walks of life and every ethnic group. All had tokens with numbers, numbers that informed when their time would come to get in line for a hug.

My number was S2 meaning I would wait for two to three hours (a short time according to Ammaphiles). While waiting Om and I sat close to the stage so we could witness her hugging process with other pilgrims. It was amazing to watch. This woman, Mother of Compassion, embodiment of Kali-Ma herself, sits for 15 hours a day and hugs people one by one as they approach her guided gently by the Amma's loyal assistants.

I felt like crying a lot of the time as I watched. Much of the time I was silent. Sometimes I talked to Om or others there who I recognized. At first glance, it appeared to be a gathering of New York's spiritual who's who.

But it was much more than that. There was no pretense. People wore saris, robes, jeans, T-shirts everything imaginable. People talked and shopped in the auditorium while waiting to be called. Some sat in lotus position and appeared to be meditating, but there was no particular way they had to be. It was somewhat chaotic - organized from the feminine aspect. I really liked that about it.

Finally my number came up and I anxiously cued up to get my Amma 'fix'. As I approached I was asked if I was "alone" and what language I spoke. I answered "I am alone in a manner of speaking," and that my language is English. A couple of assistants laughed. Then I was told to wipe my face and forehead with a tissue and take out my hair clip because Amma might hurt herself when she went to hug me possibly getting caught on the clip. During the final approach towards her, it was necessary to crawl very closely behind others in line. When my turn finally came, she grabbed me to her and pressed me hard into her, held me strong and whispered all the while into my ear. I told myself to surrender to her, the Mother, and so I did.

I noticed I had no comprehension of a word she said. I doubt that it was English and what's more I don't care. She let go abruptly, smiled and handed me a chocolate kiss and a flower petal. I looked into her eyes and saw a person deep in trance, yet totally present. I was ushered away to make room for the next in line and I willingly went off to the side, kneeled down and touched my head to the floor to honor her.

Now let's look at this more closely. What actually happened? I was hugged tightly by a powerful woman who claims to be an incarnation of Kali, my patron saint. Rather than exhibit the "cut off your head" rendition of my favorite goddess, Amma personifies her enormous compassion. She sits for hours and hugs people no matter who or what they are. The only question she asks is what language. It's free. It goes on for three days culminating in an all night Kali ritual that lasts until the next morning. WOW!

What did I come away with? Something huge. I got held by 'The Mother'. Somehow it made everything right between me and my mother. It made up for all the times my mother was unable to hold me, comfort me, reassure me that everything would be alright.

This surrogate mother is offering powerful female healing energy, Shakti energy that is very much needed on the planet at this time. The transmission of healing energy comes in the form of hugs. She never spoke at a podium, rather she whispered in my and others ears. Nobody even spoke to her. She just pressed people to her one after the other after the other. The transmission is mother energy something everybody needs, something the earth needs, something that has been missing.

Profound experience. I can say that it has changed me. I will hug more. I will make it a practice at the beginning and end of every workshop and every meeting with people. I will hug in a very conscious way and with intention to offer mother energy. I will hold the person in my arms differently than I have ever hugged anyone before.

If you would like to know when Amma is coming to a city near you or more about her humanitarian efforts around the world go to www.Amma.org.